I’ve spent the last week and a half contemplating almost everything in my life. My relationships, my job, my hobbies, what I actually want to accomplish…
It all felt very overwhelming to me. I wasn’t really sure why, until this picture was taken of me:
I realized that I really want to be seen, but I’m scared of actually being seen. Or, more realistically, I’m scared of how people see me. I am always so reluctant to have pictures taken of me, because I am so emotionally aware of the weight I have gained since nursing school. I don’t make friends easily, because of who I am as a person. I’m terrified to stick my neck out there in case it actually gets chopped off. I don’t ever want to be in a position where I am alone, where I feel like no one cares. I can’t accept myself for who I am.
I’ve considered leaving my job on countless occasions because I know people don’t like me, and have repeatedly shown me that they don’t. I’ve cried to my best friend on an infinite level about how alone I felt. I obsessed over people liking me. I’ve used it as ammunition to not try and further my career. I kept thinking, “If people don’t like me as a nurse, people will really hate me as a manager or an educator.”
I’m using what people think of me to hold myself back. But how do you stop caring about what people think about you? That’s my struggle.
I had a conversation with a coworker, and it was implied that I can be bossy. I think this was my turning point. I obsessed over this little fact for a few days before I was finally okay with it. I’m okay that people think I’m bossy. I know why I’m bossy. It’s because I want to get things done. I’m Type A, and I need things to get done, what’s the point in wasting time and getting behind?
I think once I decided I was okay with people thinking I’m bossy, the conversations I had with my best friend really started settling in. Why do I have to care? Why do I care what people think when I don’t even care about them? Why waste my time on people that I really don’t want to waste my time with. Right now, I’m spending 80% of my worries and fears on 20% of the people in my life. And I don’t even spend a whole lot of time with those people! They won’t be in my life forever. Why am I worrying?
There is that quote that is really and honestly true: “Those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.” My best friend has seen me at my absolute worst, my absolute best, as well as everything in between. And no matter what I do or say, I am always important to him.
I feel like I really need to acknowledge my wonderful, patient, and loving best friend, Kyle. We have been through some tough shit together in the past 4 1/2 years that we’ve known each other. We’ve had rough patches, of course. We’ve had months of time where we couldn’t be friends…but regardless, we have always found our way back to each other, found ways to support each other and love each other. He’s had to listen to my same 4 problems (it feels like) on repeat, and he has never given up and walked away. He just continues to be supportive and lets me know that he’s always here for me. No matter how alone, how ugly, how fat, or how trapped I feel, he listens. I am forever grateful for this wonderful man. I am so grateful that he chooses to be in my life, chooses the drama I may bring, and loves me no matter what. This is the only type of person I need to be worrying about; some one who worries about me.
I feel like once I’m able to let go of what others think of me…my possibilities are endless.
Mary Jane xx