It’s super early in the morning, but I feel like I can’t sleep anymore. My thoughts are flooded with inadequacies. I have a constant internal monologue of “You’re not good enough, nobody cares about you or what you want to accomplish” running through my head.
It’s not that I’m losing faith in this project….it’s that I’m losing faith in myself.
And it’s only Day 4.
While suffering through my insomniatic episode tonight, I decided to scroll through my old facebook photos. Again, I’m obsessing over what photo I should post on this blog. I realized that a lot of my photos were all taken through really difficult times in my life. The smiles aren’t real, the fun I’m having is forced…I’m hiding all of my insecurities. I considered a good amount of time on what photo to use…but I didn’t want to seem fake. I didn’t want to add a picture to this post that was a contradiction to what I’m trying to convey in this entry. This was the one I decided on. I felt like it summed up this post: Feeling alone, overcome with the open sea of possibilities, good and bad…(and also secretly wishing I was that skinny again..But that’s a thought for another day).
I believe a big issue of today is how dependent people are on social acceptance, whether that means through social media or through physical friendships. I fall victim to this. I feel like life is defined by the number of likes I get, or the number of visits I get to this page. I feel myself obsess over how many people pay attention to me. And when I realize that I’m not as popular or as amiable as the next person, I take it personally and I internalize it.
I have no idea how to let it go.
The terrible thing is that I try to justify the number of likes I get. It’s always things like “Well, I didn’t make an effort to get to know people,” or “I’m a hard pill to swallow,” or “You just don’t have the type of personality people want in their lives.” I feel like Being Me is never enough for people…But why do I have to be enough for people? Why can’t I be enough for me?
I have PTSD with some pretty moderate anxiety. Which is definitely an improvement for me to be able to say that. Even a year ago, my anxiety could have been considered extreme. I was having panic attacks on a weekly basis. I was having anxiety attacks at least once a day. I’ve definitely improved over the past year alone…but I’ve failed to give myself credit for it. I think it’s because the only person who sees it is me…and that doesn’t seem like it’s enough. Or maybe it feels like it doesn’t count, because what do I know? Maybe I haven’t gotten better. Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself I have and I’m actually a raging bitch-lunatic with no regard for other people.
But I do believe the anxiety has gotten better. Not gone…just better. It does keep me up at night, though (hence the obscene hour I’m writing this).
I wish I could learn to obsess less over my social media presence. I wish I could obsess less over whether or not people like me. But in order to solve those problems, I have more to figure out internally. I love you all.
Mary Jane xx
- Unknown. The day has yet to begin.