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No Road to Recovery

It’s been two and a half weeks, and I still don’t feel like I’m home. This house and this life seem so alien to me.

I don’t want to say I’m depressed. Because I’m not. But I can’t help but ache for London every time I’m left alone. I’m not depressed, but I’m not happy. From the moment I wake up, I’m already trying to convince myself that I’ll be back wandering those streets in just a few months. I check airline prices everyday, looking for an opportune moment to fly out there. I look at flat prices, I read up on activities I didn’t get a chance to do. I learn about naturalization and applying for a national insurance number. I am completely obsessed, and I cannot get my mind away from that city.

I dream about it every night. I dream about walking down Whitechapel, shopping in Stratford, sitting on the bus, getting out of tube stations, even in areas I’ve never been to.

And to be completely honest, I find myself tearing up a few times a day at the realization that I am no longer living in London. That’s no longer my life. I am not coping well at all.

I hate my life in Utah. There isn’t a second that goes by that I don’t wish I’m just dreaming I’m home, I’ll open my eyes, and find out I still have another 2 months left in the UK. I’m not blaming my friends or anything for my dislike of this state, but I feel so much more alone here than I did in London. I dread each new day. I welcome the night, because there I am able to go home.

I keep telling myself that I’ll move out there after I get my degree in Nursing. But part of me keeps saying “Screw school! Just go out and find a job and get your butt out there. You’re wasting time.” 4 years is just way too much for me to handle.

I could go on and on about what I miss about London. The sad thing is, I know that no one here would listen to it. All I have is this blog to vent out the tiresome and overworked excuses I have for not being a happy person.

On an even more selfish note, I would spend over $1000 just to fly out for my birthday. I know, it’s crazy. Most people dream about going to London, and hardly any one in Utah could ever fathom going twice within 6 months. But I couldn’t care less about what others think about this decision. I am having such a hard time here, all I want is just one more week in London.

For years, I wouldn’t celebrate my birthday. I just didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I missed my Sweet 16 and my 18th, but there is no way I’m going to miss my 21st. And I want to spend it how I want. And I kind of think I deserve to treat myself to something special. I’ve spent several years looking after everyone but myself. I let things in my life slide. My appearance, my relationships, and even my health. I focused all of my energy on trying to perfect situations surrounding my family, helping my friends with their dating issues, and completely block out the world from what was really going on in my own head. I didn’t even tell my best friends about deaths in my family, because I feared it would inconvenience them to know that I was going through some difficult times.

I’m not saying I’ve had it hard. After the problems that I witnessed in London, my life has been wonderful. But that doesn’t mean it was a good life, either. It was still hard to deal with so many problems that flew at my family and me from all directions. All I am saying is that from now on, I want the ability to focus a little more on myself and on what I want to do.

If I don’t want to get married, stop asking me why I’m not dating. If I want to work 50 hours a week, let me. If I want to fly to London for my birthday, then let my fly out. If I want to volunteer in different countries every year, don’t question me. Just let me do it.

That’s another thing. I am sick and tired of people asking me why I want to do international volunteer work when there is so much that could be done in Utah. I don’t want to be accusatory, but that’s EXACTLY one of the reasons why I want to do international work. People here are stuck in this mind set that there is Utah and only Utah. USA and only the USA. I understand patriotism, and wanting to solve problems within your own country first and all that, but there is still a world out there with problems too. In Utah, we have over a million people, most of which not wanting to leave the state (which I do not understand. There is a whole world out there. Go and explore it.). I probably only associate with a few hundred of them, and almost every single person I talk to asks me why I can’t just stay in Utah. “It’d be a lot cheaper. Fix the problems at home.” Well then, why aren’t you doing any volunteer work? Why don’t you help fix the problems at home? Too busy?

I understand that there are issues in Utah that need to be settled. But there is not one problem that will just go away. It’ll be an ongoing issue. I’m not meant for work in this State, though. The reason why I do international work is because I get to connect with the world on such a different level. It’s not a holiday away. It’s not being a tourist. It’s being Mary Jane, going to a different part of the world, seeing their problems for myself, and trying to do as much as I can to help them. I feel much more connected with people of different nationalities, religions, economic backgrounds. It’s a huge eye opener, and it really shows me how much a little task could mean something so much more to another person. It helps me realize that the life I lead is taken for granted. That Utah, as great as it may be, is just Utah, and that there are so many more people with bigger issues out there in the world that could use as much help as they can get.

It makes me realize that I can do anything and everything. And I will.

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